For us all there are momentous moments in our lives that can change our hearts and minds. I was pondering on one that happened a few years ago and thought I might dare to share...my son has read this and is very happy for me to recount this experience as he said.."if it encourages just one person then it is worth it" Amen to that x
Going back to our turbulent years with our eldest, life was not quite as I had imagined when he was a cute two year old. To be fair when they are little you can't even imagine them starting school, let alone becoming big hairy men with rebel instincts.
We were walking a bumpy road, addictions creating a cavern of despair and a heartfelt fear I wouldn't wish on any parent. Our son remained loving, warm hearted and kind inspite of the lies and deception concurrent with his lifestyle at the time. This was the reason he still lived at home. And the fact we loved him unconditionally - he was our son...we wanted to walk this treacherous path with him, just as Jesus loves each of us and walks through every valley right with us..rejoicing in the good and holding us in the bad...
We had desperately tried several options and avenues of help, some he sort himself in a desperate attempt to recover and move on...Praise God he has now,
Hallelujah to answered prayer for him.
The first weekend we trusted him to stay home alone whilst the rest of us had a weekend with my mother in law, was a little scary. He was out of the pit at that
time so I felt a bit more relaxed saying goodbye.
The boys have heard the usual lectures several times over...all stories and examples to illustrate what might happen 'if' usually ended in death. Yes I was
and possibly still am a paranoid mother. They gaze into space if I embark on one, so now I just suggest they press the rewind button for whatever activity they are about to enjoy!
I quickly forgot my fears as we enjoyed a lovely day with the family and went to bed content and happy...he was 19 after all...and had gotten a lot more sensible.
My mobile woke me from a deep sleep - just gone midnight - it
was a bit scary..
A familiar voice just said "you are not gonna like this very much mum" and
handed his phone to the policeman.
The officer informed me that our eldest had been caught letting his friend drive our Corsa. Our generous son thought that as I was teaching his friend to drive, it would be nice for him to get extra practice - in a car uninsured, without a full driving licence and accompanied by someone to young. His buddy was due to take his test two weeks after...
Apparently having spotted the police car, he had panicked and adopted a
strange bunny hopping technique that gave the game away.
I always remind our sons that we do get to find out most things...no matter how much they believe they won't get caught out.
The police had to inform me that they will have the car transported away and it will cost us £750 to get it back out of the pound :(
My thoughts raged from relief they were not killed to wanting to kill them both.
I couldn't sleep as I felt totally let down. How could my pupil be so stupid? He
would surely lose his licence and not be able to do his test.. How could our son
be sooo irresponsible. Who was gonna pay £750 - we didn't have that kind of money.
I felt sick, angry, frustrated, helpless...it felt like a bad dream, and it was certainly the last straw.
I managed to get some sleep but I woke up feeling gutted and vented my anger at the breakfast table...this was it...The time had come for our eldest to be evicted from home...this couldn't go on any longer..I was adamant and his dad was in agreement, he too was shell shocked.
I felt I had been pushed to the point of 'not caring' where he went or how he found the money to live.
Seething and devastated that he had let us down again, and had put lives at risk...I went and had a shower, then sat looking in the mirror wondering how as a mum I had let our son grow up to be so stupid and reckless.
As I looked at my reflection tears streaming down my face...I imagined writing the cheque out for £750...and as I did I felt The Holy Spirit come upon me filling my heart with Grace and compassion, opening my eyes so I could see beyond the anguish.
Wasn't I a sinner? The Lord reminded me that I am far from perfect. Each thing I do wrong Jesus weeps over..it hurts Him if I let Him down,..what about me judging someone just the day before...what about me thinking critical thoughts or making a bad comment...so many sins I commit daily - yet my Father in Heaven forgives me..He has already paid the 'fine' for me ...He had already paid the price...the cost? - He died on the cross that I/we might live and be reconciled to Our Father in Heaven.
For us £750 sounded so much money..but then that amount instantly became insignificant- no amount of money would be as great as a man who laid down His Life for us.
All angst, anger and fear dissolved in that moment of truth. A peace beyond understanding ebbed through my body, taking away every tear and painful thought.
The Lord continues to show me love no matter how bad I am ...therefore I in turn should continue to love and not criticise anyone who has upset me.
I went back downstairs transformed and shared my new take on the situation, much to the suprise of my mother in law ... The boy could stay at home and I would continue to teach his friend and take him to his test.
Our son hid from us for a day or two and was more than suprised I didn't as much as growl at him,or refuse to teach his friend..
Hopefully seeds were sown, that God can water in His time. Lead by example, Love your neighbour as yourself, forgive as He first forgave us.
The car was retrieved, the friend paid half...he kept his licence and passed his test...Our son tried harder and I? Well I learnt and understood forgiveness at a new level. Praise God there was no blood shed that night, they had kept safe... but a deepened Faith for me in the one who gave His life for me...without anger or frustration, but because He loves all of His children, good or bad. The highest price had already been paid...
I hope sharing this might help just one person to be able to reflect and forgive no matter how hurt you may be, no matter how deeply you have suffered, I pray that by His Grace. And Mercy you can find it in your heart to forgive...and continue to Love as God first loved us, Amen x
